Must Get Out
by Animegoil
Summary: Kazahaya's powers turn into a curse as he's forced to witness the rape & murder of a girl, and the only one whom he trusts to comfort him is Rikuou, who is fighting with the pain of his unrequited love. RxK Angst
1. I've Been the Needle and the Thread

**Hello! This is my first shot at Gohou (Legal) Drug, and one of the very very few songfics I do, but this song just struck a chord. Anyway, there's a couple things I have to say:**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Gohou Drug, the Characters, or Maroon 5's 'Must Get Out' to which this fic was written to. Excellet song, and the album is incredible, so check them out sometime. They're the ones who sing 'Sunday Morning, This Love, Harder to Breathe, and She Will be Loved.'**

**I had every stanza open up a new chapter, but because of the reinforcement/reminder of rules pertaining to posting song lyrics in fics, i've had to take them out. See if you can find the song though, because ... the song it really good and was the basis for this fic, and i hardly ever get inspired by songs. Chapter titles still done by the beggining of the stanza that should have opened the chapter. **

**Enjoy the fic!**

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**_Must Get Out_**

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**It was almost closing time when I heard Kakei ask the kid to bring up a box of cold medicines from the back storeroom, it being the winter season, when colds were practically flying from person to person, and I paused counting the money in the cash register. Kazahaya nodded determinedly, the idiot. Always trying to prove himself, as if he hadn't already. But of course, he didn't know that, so I couldn't blame him for trying to take on everything that came his way. And I guess it was my fault, since what he was trying to prove was that he didn't need me. That fact always seemed to stick in my mind with a stinging reality. 

Green bills lay forgotten in my hands as I watched with narrowed eyes as he struggled with the box. Those boxes were too heavy for him; even I had trouble with them sometimes. Much too heavy for a shrimp like him…

So, not surprisingly, the box slipped from his fingers, and he slipped backward and cringed, eyes flying shut as he waited for the fifty-pound box to smash his brains into the floor. This was the reason I had been watching so carefully, and I dove forward, catching the box with a small grunt.

Hazel-green eyes widened as they opened, surprised to see me standing above him with the box in my arms, smirking at him. Saving his life once again. Why hadn't he realized it yet? I was here for him, to keep him from idiotically killing himself. He didn't need to fight it so hard.

"Baka! Don't try to carry around something that's heavier than you, you idiot!" I sneered, covering the worry in my eyes with a smirk on my lips. I may not have been as mean as I used to be to him, but I still couldn't afford to let my guard down completely around him. There was just too much at stake.

"It's not! I- I- Grr, you always act like a total showoff, you bastard! You think you're so tough, but you're not! You—urgh… " He turned his head away, knowing that there was no excuse, no buts, no 'I didn't need you', because he had.

I glared at him, then sighed lightly, "You never learn, do you?"

The dirty-blonde kid only mumbled something angrily; eyes averted, and eased himself up from the floor to begin removing the medicine bottles, restocking the shelves. I merely closed my eyes for a moment and turned back to the counter, finishing the money counting and locking up the register.

"I'm leaving," I called out to Saiga, since Kakei had already gone into the office. He waved at me, smiling in acknowledgement, and I turned around, walking outside into the frigid late January afternoon. The bitterly cold wind whistled around me, but I didn't bother tightening my coat, considering it was only a minute's walk to the apartment Kakei so graciously had given to the kid and me.

Slamming my bedroom door behind me and tossing the black coat to the floor, I sat down heavily on my bed, feeling the stress of the past couple weeks mounting. I was fairly sure there would be no extra jobs today, Kakei had seemed in a hurry to get in his office and pulling Saiga in as well. Good, a night of relief for me while they did who-knew-what.

I sighed lightly, running my hands through dark hair, turning my gaze outside, watching the snowflakes dancing past my window, the sky turning dark as the sun hid its ever-blinding face behind curtains of night- insecurities, memories, time for reflection and heartache.

A cold city, one I couldn't wait to finally leave. But if before I had thought that finding clues about Tsukiko was the only thing keeping me anchored to Green Drug, and this life, I was wrong. There was someone else now that kept me going too.

A small figure caught my attention, running past. Dark golden hair flew to the sides as the figure slipped on the ice, almost falling flat on his face. Kazahaya, of course. I could see his mouth moving, muttering some curse words most likely, as he rubbed his back where he'd fallen.

I tried to laugh. At any other moment I would. In fact, I would have been waiting for him at the door, ready to sneer and make jokes at his expense, only to be yelled at severely and extensively for it. For me though, it was pure amusement and I would have only laughed harder.

It had grown into something else though, more than amusement. And I had already realized what it was.

That was why I couldn't laugh, much as I wished I could, and instead closed my eyes against thetears that threatened to form in my eyes, refusing to let them control me. I could not cry. I hadn't in years.

Kazahaya was the one who now kept me anchored to this life. I knew why. I was always in control of my emotions, so I understood perfectly. The pain now stemmed from the fact that I would never hear him say the words that I knew I would someday tell him.

In other words, I loved him. But he didn't.

So the only option I had left was to wait, hope that someday he would see past my defensive walls, hope that someday he would realize the reason I saved him time after time. That he would accept me. All I could do was wait patiently for him to love me, as I was now, that he would simply grow to love me as I had him.

It was living this way, with an unrequited love, with thoughts like these that weighed me down so heavily.

A knock at the door made my green eyes fly open, and I immediately removed all traces of bitterness or sorrow from my face.

"Yeah?" I called out gruffly.

"Um, Rikuou, I wanted to tell you something…" I gazed at the door, waiting for him to continue.

"Grr… don't you have the decency to open the door when someone wants to talk to you!" he pounded on the flimsy brown door, and I let a soft smirk alight on my face. He was simply too much fun to tease and make lose his temper. His naïveté and incoherency when angry made it all too funny.

But finally I complied and sighed heavily before getting up and opening the door to find him glaring at me, in all his five-foot glory, or whatever height he was- It was still considerable shorter than mine. Kazahaya rolled his eyes and swallowed, looking down as he fidgeted with his hands. He really was adorable.

"Um, I wanted to thank you for… well, for earlier today," he said nervously, and despite his casual tone, I knew he was swallowing his pride to thank me, and it should have made me happy, it should have softened my heart, and make the corners of my mouth twitch into an invisible smile. It almost did, but didn't make it that far, because it was as painful as it was joyful.

One of the very few moments when he wasn't yelling at me, and was actually thankful for me. Because I saved his life. Otherwise, he wouldn't look twice my way. Not unless he was going to yell at me, at least. I turned my back on him, fighting to hide the pain I knew was becoming inevitable to hide—even he wasn't that naïve, somehow, he always seemed to realize when I was troubled or worried, and so I had to fight harder and harder to hide it.

Although… now that I thought about it, if he worried about me, didn't that mean he was paying attention to more than to just yell? That didn't mean anything. We lived together, it was only natural he would take _some_ notice of the person he saw everyday. It didn't mean anything, because I was sure I didn't mean anything to him. Just a person he was forced to see everyday. I sighed, momentarily oblivious to the fact that he was standing expectantly behind me until I heard him make a small noise.

"Don't worry about it," I muttered shortly, once again running my hands through my hair, refusing to turn back around.

I could almost _see_ him blink in my head, and actually heard him stutter, "You're not calling me an idiot?"

I gave a short laugh, and finally did turn around, smirking at him, "You mean you came to thank me anyway, even though you thought I would insult you for it?"

Kazahaya leaned back defensively, "Well, yeah, I mean… well, I felt it was only right to thank you!" he finished, still in that defensive tone. I stopped.

"You're too nice…" I murmured, more to myself, staring into those untainted orbs of golden hazel, watching them widen in confusion.

"Huh?" he said dumbly, and I reached out, patting his head softly.

"You're so nice, you could be starving to death in the streets, and see and old lady drop a five dollar bill, and instead of keeping it to buy food you'd give it back."

I was sure it was true, it was simply the type of person Kazahaya was.

"Er, well, it _is_ her money, I couldn't just—" he stuttered, proving my statement, a light blush brushing his face as he glanced down out of embarrassment, and I smirked to myself.

"Yup, you're so nice you'd probably pass up your only opportunity to shag a girl just because the guy next to you asks you to baby-sit his dog," I said in that tone of voice I knew drove him crazy.

"Argh! You bastard! Here I am being nice, and you go and make fun of me!" he exploded, looking around for the nearest thing to hurl at me, but finding nothing within his reach he was forced to settle for stomping away into his room. The door slammed loudly, rattling the cheap china in the cupboards.

I'd screwed up again, I knew it, but I couldn't tell him, not yet. He would never accept my feelings, and I wasn't even sure I was ready to share them yet. It wasn't that I was so cold I didn't have emotions; it was just that I knew how to keep the inside very well. Too well. And it was to my misfortune that my personality was cold and closed, making it even harder for me to willingly expose my feelings.

Besides, I had lost too much with Tsukiko. I wasn't sure if I was ready to take the same risk. Not unless I was sure my love would be returned.

The door clicked softly to a close, and I sighed once again.

Was thank you the closest it would get to 'I love you'?

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**Oh, and i wanted to have a short explanation of the lyrics...**

**_'I've been the needle and the thread/ Weaving figure eights in circles round your head'_ I kinda felt like that meant having Rikuou always be on top of things, and that manifests itself through him watching over Kazahaya, and knowing his feelings for him clearly while Kazahaya remains oblivious. **

**_'I try to laugh but cry instead'_ that was pretty obvious. Kaza tripped, and Rikouo would have laughed if not for the fact that he was having very angsty thoughts at the moment.**

**_'Patiently wait to hear the words you've never said,'_ He doesn't think that Kazahaya will say them on his own, that he'll have to say them first, but he's not ready for that, so in the end, it'll have to be naive Kaza who has to confess first... **

**So... review!**


	2. Fumbling Through Your Dresser Drawer

**Only five reviews, in truth I was hoping to reap a bit more before updating, but I just wanted to update. I'm really curious as to how this chapter will go over with you guys. So tell me more than just 'it was good' or 'it was bad'. Give me reasons, I'm very curious as to how this chapter turned out from other's POV's. **

**Soooo: warnings: Shounen-ai, language, um, ... what else... fluff, angst? Ah, but that's nothing to shield yourself against, so that's not a warning, that's a ... a... a... good thing. Or something like that. **

**Right, and once again, this is still in Rikuou's POV, will most likely stay that way through the whole fic, and once again, the next stanza will be the next chapter. **

**Reviewer reponses at the bottom**

**ENJOY: (And look at the lyrics before reading the rest of the fic)**

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Must Get Out: Chapter 2

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I held the sobbing body close to me, rocking him gently as I felt his body exhausting itself through quiet sobs, warm tears slipping down his face and neck, brushing in that humid warmth against my chest. Too much… it was too much for him.

"R-Rikuou… my head…" he managed to mutter through his sobs, and in a way it relieved me that his mind wasn't so overwhelmed with emotions that he couldn't even feel his own body anymore.

"Does it hurt?" I whispered, mindful that my mouth was right above his ear, and it would hurt him if I spoke loudly. He whimpered softly, the plangent sound scratching another gash into my heart as he nodded pitifully against me, his thin, small body shaking violently with the effort of containing all the rampaging emotions inside.

"T-there's some… in my drawer…" the pained voice choked out weakly as I gently pried him off of me, letting him sit back onto my bed, his crying renewed as he wrapped his arms tightly around himself, golden-brown hair falling into his face as tears continued to course down his delicate face. A beautiful, sorrowful, crying angel.

My eyes were sorrowed as I made my way into his room, sliding open the top drawer and rummaging through his things- books, random items such as rubber bands, papers and pictures, hardly aware of what I was doing, just doing it.

My hands continued sifting through small personal belongings, while meanwhile, my mind rummaged through images of his pain, images of my pain, and I cursed our gifts. His gift, most of all, for the agony it was putting him through, for the tenderness of his heart, for my inability to make it better…

Kazahaya… he couldn't… his mind —his heart— was too fragile to witness a memory like that… the emotions raged through his mind, clouding his own heart, immersing him in feelings and pains that weren't his, but pained him the same nonetheless. Causing his heart more grief at the fact that it was being overshadowed with torture unknown and unbidden. Memories that were too much for a pure and simple soul like his. He probably couldn't even feel his own emotions at this point, only those destructively forceful ones of the memory he'd stumbled upon, tearing at his delicately childish heart with every image. Destroying the innocence and purity that I had grown to adore and respect, poisoning his mind and reason, to the point where the memory would merge in his mind and he would be unable to distinguish it from his own experiences. It would be too much for him to bear, but what could I do?

My hands stilled momentarily as my fingers slid over a smooth paper— a photograph, and my eyes widened a fraction of an inch. One Saiga had jokingly taken of him and me during one of our usual bickering arguments, me smirking at him and him pouting angrily. What surprised me was that days later, when Saiga had returned the picture to him, Kazayaha had profusely announced that he would rip the picture to pieces as soon as he got home…

It was here. He'd kept it after all.

My head jerked up abruptly as I heard the hazel-eyed boy's voice quiver above silence only ruptured by his choked sobs, plainly audible through the thin wall between our rooms, "I-It's in the… top left-hand c-corner…"

Even through the thin wall, his voice was a mere sound, almost inaudible, and I cursed myself for having made him wait while he was in pain just because I had let my thoughts get a hold of me. Quickly finding and snatching the aspirin, as well as a glass of water from the kitchen, I hurried back to my room, letting my gaze linger sadly on his lithe form, curled up in my bed, holding the covers as if they were the only thing keeping him anchored to any semblance of reality. Which they very well could be, I thought, looking at his lugubrious golden eyes, brimming with tears that hadn't yet exhausted even after hours of crying.

I sat next to him, the bed sinking with our combined weight, and lifted him up gently, watching with a bittersweet gaze as he leaned into my body completely trustingly, drowning once again in memories that he should never have seen in the first place, gripping my shirt tightly in his shaking hands as his crying renewed. His lower lip was swollen from biting on it so much, tints of diluted blood shining wetly.

"Here," I murmured softly, handing him the water with the aspirin in it. He reached out to take it with his tremorous hands, but I shook my head and forced it past them and straight to his mouth, "You'll drop it."

He sipped erratically, his eyes unfocused, as if he wasn't quite there, a fog in his eyes that made me think he was only half aware of what was going on, the other half completely immersed in fighting to control what his powers had so undesirably thrown at him.

Placing the empty glass on the bedside table, I cradled him closer, stroking his hair softly, and closed my eyes. Through the darkness of my mind, with my eyelids shutting out any sight, the quieting sobs became more pronounced, the feeling of the light weight leaning against mine engulfing me, until all that was there, all that I saw, heard, felt and thought of was Kazahaya. His light hair was brushing against my chin, and I drank in the soft smell of chamomile.

I didn't know when he had become so important to me, but he had, and that was all that mattered to me now, to find a way to ease his pain, to comfort him… when he needed it, I'd be there. Through all the jabs and smirks and teasing I would be watching for when he really needed me, and I'd be sure to be there for him.

Though it was painful, it didn't matter if he saw me the same way I did him, or he ever would. It didn't matter if he couldn't help me, or if he was oblivious to the way I looked at him, or protected him, or held him. If he was happy, at least I could take some credit for keeping him that way.

I really did doubt that I would ever hear a love confession from him. I could hope— it was hardly possible not to, since all humans had a tendency to keep a flame alive somewhere in the darkness—but I knew that it was a vain hope.

I kept my eyes closed, listening to his quieting sobs in the deathly-still room on a winter evening.

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**I don't know if it makes sense or anything, but there's the next chapter.**

**Awright, now to the lyric explanation...**

**_Fumbling through your dresser drawer- _pretty self explanatory. I coudln't think of anything really that Rikuou would need to look for in Kazahaya's drawer. Without it being yaoi or something at least... **

**_Forgot what I was looking for_ _- _when he got sidetracked by his thoughts on the picture and the situation **

**_Try to guide me in the right direction_- literally, Kaza tells him where the aspirin is. **

**_Making use of all this time- _All the time while Kazahaya cried, he used to reflect. **

**_Keeping everything inside_-and didn't say anythign of what he was feeling**

**_Close my eyes and listen to you crying-_literally self explanatory too. **

**Responses:**

**Meg-chan2: Thank you very much. I try to read anythign and everything by CLAMP. I still have to read some of their short-story compilations (the snow tales, the romance tales... etc) And I wanna read CLOVER, but I can't find the first book --grumbles--. **

**Black Angel of Destruction: O.O evil name... chaotic! fun! Thank you, hope you liked this one as well.**

**Tokki-tsu: Oooh, cool name. What's it mean? Hopefully you liked the Kaza/Rikou goodness here too. **

**Kurosaki Aniko: Personally, I don't like yaoi. Too much for me. But I am a very very heavy shounen-ai fangirl . I'm working on the Gohou Drug category, but the Help section's down. Grrrr... anyway, you liked this chapter too, i hope?**

**Sol-nemesis: There definitely aren't enough good Kazahaya/Rikouu fics. Much less Kakei/Saiga, but there's just something about a couple that's ALREADY a couple that sometimes makes them less written about. I don't know. **

**Anyway, that done, I want to say that yes, Rikuou may be a bit out of chracter, but once again, I blame that partly on individual chracter interpretations, and the fact that I've read a good bit of the second and third volumes, and you'd be surprised at how... un-cold Rikuou can be. He laughs (not out loud, but more like a chuckle, but he looks sooo cute), he's civil to Kazahaya, they hold serious conversations, and both hold a slightly soft spot for each other everyonce in a while. Plus, there's the chocolate scene, in which Rikuou did NOT shove Kazahaya off... which might tell you something. **

**Anyway, please leave substatial reviews, lile I said, I want to know what was liked/hated about the fic, and how it went over, and not simply a 'it was good' or 'it was bad'. THANK YOU. **

**Preview: I'll just put the lyrics for the next chapter... 'This is not goodbye, she says, it is just time for me to rest my head. She does not walk, she runs instead, down these jagged streets and into my bed.' Sound good?**


	3. This is not Goodbye

**Hellooooo! Back again, and as you noticed, there's now a Gohou Drug section (though they used the English name and called it 'Legal' Drug...) Right now, most GD fanfics are in the CLAMP category, so if you review one of the fanfics, remind them to switch their story into the GD category. **

**Anyway, thanks for the immense support. Glad you liked it!**

**Oh, and the reason it just kinda... jumped from the first and second chapters without an in-between, was because I needed to fit the lyrics, and this was the best way. There's a flashback mode in here, and that'll fillin the space from the first to second chapters. **

**Reviewer responses at the bottom, and ENJOY THE FIC! **

_Italics- Flashback_

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_**Must Get Out: Chapter 3**_

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Even though the tears had slowed considerably, and the silence was only punctuated by soft sobs and Kazahaya in my arms, supporting his light frame, fondling his face in my hand before lifting it up to brush his hair gently, my other hand running soothing circles on his back. It was what my mother would do to me as a child, I vaguely remembered, and it appeared to work with _this_ particular child too. I held back a soft grin at the thought of what his reaction would have been had I voiced this out loud.

Right now though, he would have most likely just told me very quietly to shut up, or maybe not have said anything at all, and turned away. Rejection colder than ice.

The golden-haired boy in my arms stirred lightly, biting his lips once again as he looked up at me through tormented eyes, his mouth opening in a bare whisper, as his eyes swam with poison and mourning.

"I feel… like I'm dying…"

My hands stilled. His words, spoken with slivers of sharp pain and tainted despair that told how much he had really seen, scared me. His face was pale, so white, snow would have been envious, his eyes as dead as a cemetery at midnight, like I had never seen them, not even that night when I had first seen him, almost freezing to death in the snow. Not even then had they been this dead and empty, so full of torment and hopelessness. Even at that time they had been burning with a desire to live, with hope of what the future would yet hold.

With a soft sigh, his body crumpled against mine, worn and emotionally beaten, and I realized how shallow his breathing had become. So shallow I could barely hear it, and fear engulfed me so darkly I didn't realize how hard my grip was on him until he weakly lifted his head.

"D-Don't worry… I'm not dying… I'm just… so tired…" I apparently hadn't hidden the fear and anxiety in my face, or else he wouldn't have reassured me like that. Pale lips sighed, and his eyes slid closed heavily, "I just n-need to sleep for a while…"

And with that, his body became completely limp, and I pulled him closer, reassuring myself that he was breathing, and alive, and telling myself that he'd pull himself out of this, and get through it, like he did everything else. But something told me things wouldn't be the same. Not after everything he'd seen.

Laying him back into my bed and pulling the covers into a snug fit around him, I let my hand linger longer than it needed over his face, fingering his silky hair between my fingers.

This whole scene, all begun on a quiet, uneventful afternoon. I folded my hands underneath my chin, drawing in a heavy breath.

_Staring up at the ceiling while wishing for a glass of water was about as lazy as I could get. Normally, I wasn't lazy. But I was simply tired, and bored, and felt too comfortable in my bed to bother myself to get up to get a glass of water I didn't _really_ need. _

_Swiveling my head to the side, I was able to watch the streets outside, watching as people of all kinds strode underneath, different races, nations, ages, classes, educations, religions, status and reputations. It really was strange to think that every single one of the people that walked below, all wearing coats, all having legs, arms, heads, eyes, ears and hair, were completely different from the one walking next to them. _

_Once again, it was Kazahaya's small figure that particularly caught my attention, like a fish is drawn to bait. But this time, though I couldn't see his face due to the speed at which he ran past the street, I could tell something was wrong. There was a distressed manner in his movements… something out of place… _

_I wondered what it was. Oh well, he probably didn't want to share it with me anyway. So I turned on my side, my back to the door, and closed my eyes, ready to mull over whether I really wanted the glass of water or not. . _

_Soon enough, the front door slammed, but to my surprise, mine opened, and a chorus of sobs and wretched cries made me practically jump into a sitting position in time to catch sight of a crying Kazahaya, body shaking dangerously, eyes bearing a tortured look like I had never seen before, before he flung himself at me. I reeled back slightly, out of shock and because his choking grip was hurting my lungs, but something was horribly wrong, and I did the only thing that came to mind with him kneeling on my bed, his arms hanging onto me like a condemned prisoner on a rope, bawling so loudly and shaking so violently I was sure something was going to break or burst inside him. I held him. _

"_Kazahaya?" I asked cautiously, "What happened?" _

"_R-Rikuou…" he choked out after a couple seconds, his grip on my shirt tightening. _

"_Calm down… what happened?" I repeated, trying to make my voice sound as stable and reassuring as possible. _

_He only cried louder and muttered, "I'm going to be sick…" _

_So I lifted him up gently, trying to calm the growing dread in my own stomach, carrying him in my arms to the bathroom, where he was quietly sick for a couple minutes, violently retching whatever he'd had for lunch that day down the sink. The tears running so vividly down his face made a morbid picture as he collapsed on the floor, arms hanging limply from the edge of the sink. Kneeling in front of his miserable form, I wiped his eyes and mouth gently with my thumb._

"_Better?"_

_He nodded, so I picked him up again, relieved that for the moment he had calmed a bit after vomiting, enough so that he swallowed heavily, face still buried in my chest as I settled him back into my bed, my worry mounting with each passing second I witnessed his distress. _

"_At the park… there was a tree… and when I l-leaned against it…" he clenched his teeth, fighting and failing miserably in making his voice stable though its shaking, "A girl… t-they took," he whimpered softly, squeezing his eyes shut, "…advantage of her… and then m-murdered…" his faltering voice cracked pitifully, and fell silent, consumed in a burning wave of dark memories and emotions. _

_For the first time, I wondered how vivid his visions were, and hoped for his sake that they were nothing close to the reality I could only imagine a rape and murder had to be. _

_He was too naïve… just living with him for a short time had proven that to me, and to have him witness something like that… I closed my eyes, feeling sick suddenly. Pitying him, and wrapping my arms tightly around him, as if by the strength of my hold I could ease his torment. He shook in my arms, whispering in a strained whisper, 'Oh my God, oh my God…' _

_I had never seen him like this. He had been flustered, sad, out of sorts, but never… never like this. It was the first time I had ever seen him crying, and that in itself was a huge shock to me. He suddenly cried out, his fingernails clenching into my chest painfully, but I only held him closer, realizing that the scenes would replay in his mind over and over, and he would have no respite from them even in sleep. _

_What effects this would have on him? I knew that his visions almost became ingrained in mind as if they were his own, but he was too innocent, pure… he couldn't live with something like that…. Oh God, what would happen to him? Kazahaya without his innocence and naïveté just wasn't Kazahaya…_

_I suddenly realized that I was probably hurting him, my arms crushing his delicate body, but apparently, he hadn't felt it, his mind flooded with darkness… and he screamed, as I was sure the girl he was replacing in her memories had. But it hurt me all the more because it was _my_ Kazahaya who was screaming, who didn't deserve to have this curse upon him, who shouldn't have been seeing those things… and witness them as if he really had experienced them. _

"_R-Rikuou!" he gasped suddenly, clutching his chest as if he'd been stabbed, breathing heavily, and I guessed that had been how the girl died… I leaned my hand over his face, brushing it gently, but he flinched away from my touch, recoiling as if burnt, his wide, tearful eyes glazed over as he threatened to relapse into another breakdown. Of course he would be jumpy about sudden touches, I scolded myself, he had just practically been a first hand witness to rape. _

_I touched his arm gently, easing my arms over him so as not to scare him again, and with relief felt him prop against me, pulling himself closer, burying his face in the folds of my shirt again. _

"_It hurts…" he cried out softly, and I pressed him tighter to me. I should have been uneasier, but in light of the situation, there was something calming about supporting him as he cried, letting it all out, murmuring whispered comforts in his ear. _

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**--sighs-- aaaaw, they're so cuute!**

**Responses:**

**Hikari Raine: there's a category for GD cause I made one . Hopefully this fit the gap between the 1 and 2 chapters sufficiently. The reason for the gap was because I needed to make it fit the lyrics. **

**Kitsunedemon: Thank you!Enthusiastic, aren't we? Hope this chapter was satisfactory! **

**Neko Faerie: Thanks. Don't know where it's going either... --laugh--**

**Sephyrah: Thank you! And yeah, Gohou Drug is an excellent manga. It's by CLAMP, what do you expect? **

**Dagger Maxwell: Oooh, as in Duo Maxwell? I love him! Wow, thanks for all the compliements. I'm really glad you liked it! Actually, I consider this to be what a song fic really is like. A normal fic, based on, or supported by, lyrics. Those fics that are pretty much lyrics with lines in between are well, just that- someone's else lyrics with sentences in between, and hardly worth being called songfics. **

**Sozuki: Thanks! Yeah I know, for once, I actually have a manga read before it's published... although vol2 should be out around now. And yes... that one has the infamous Chocolate scene. It'll probably be a bit different than what you think, but it's good, and amusing, and shounen ai galore! What I am wondering is why Rikuou didn't throw Kazahaya off immediately... --evil grin-- You'll see what I mean... **

**Din Shuuichi: Yup, GD category! There should be one for CLAMP School Detectives too. I know there's only one or two in thissection so far, but there's a good bit of fics in the CLAMPcategory if you search for them. I personally think Rikuou is in character for the most part, but I thought some people might see him as OOC. **

**Paigeboy: Don't do things! I updated! Thanks!**

**Tokki-tsu: Korean bunny ! Angst is good. And yup, now there's a GD section. **

**Rycitia: Wow, thanks! I have an issue with musings.. I think too much, and ramble on when I write... I'm trying to fix that. Actually, Kazahaya and Rikuou I find much easier to write than Fai and Kurogane from Tsubasa (gosh they're hard) whom I actually have a fic with. Yeah, you caught a lot of what I was tryign to get through with both characters! I've been really into dramatic scenes lately --sweatdrop--.Yeah, so far there's only three books... i'm heartbroken! --sniffle--**

**Megchan2: Yeah, I definitely wanna find Clover. Anything byCLAMPis good. Hope you liked this chapter!**

**Itsuki the Gatekeeper: Thank you for listening to my plea aboutmore descriptive reviews! Of course, since I was trying to fit the lyrics, and they clearly state crying, then I had to make Kazahaya cry. There's something so cute about the characters crying!Eek, but no, I don't know any good Kakei/Saiga... they're cool though . Thanks, and I hope you liked this chapter! We need more GD fics! **

**Sol-nemesis: Thanks! **

**Black Angel of Destruction: Yay, it's liked! **

**Thanks to everyone! I was a bit worried about the character in-keeping (--sweatdrop--) but I've been assured otherwise. Once again, review, and I hope you liked it! Lyrics were pretty self explanatory, so I didn't bother writing an explanation.. too lazy... **


	4. I'm Lifting You Up

**Hiiii! Back now. Man, I feel like this fic is almost too short. I'm used to having REALLY long fics, and since this one is nearing an end I feel... eek, just like it's much too short. How sad... **

**Anyway, thanks for the reviews, I'm glad it's so liked. Enjoy!**

**Edit: I edited the first lineof this chapter, because thanks to The-Dark-One3, who commented on organization and chapter introductions, I found that they are abrupt. My apologies, I think it has to do with how when I was writing it, there's no break between the chapters, and blah. Thank you!**

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Must Get Out

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Kazahaya's golden-brunette hair became mussed and disorganized ashis flimsy, worn body in my bed thrashed about, not able to find respite even in sleep. I suddenly wondered if it was safe to let him on my bed, since there was a chance that he could pick up one my more violent memories to add on to his already overloaded mind…

Sliding the covers off, I slipped my hands underneath his body, lifting him up gently, letting his head rest in the crook of my neck, his slow breathing warming my throat. Seconds later, I stripped the covers off his bed with one hand, holding his sprawled body to mine with the other before laying him in it. He really must have been exhausted to not have even stirred during the whole time, I thought miserably. At least he'd be safe from any other memories in his own bed.

Night had fallen long ago, and now even I was feeling the pressure of the afternoon mounting, and sighed sleepily before leaning over, crossing my arms on Kazahaya's bed before laying my head on it. I didn't realize that I had actually fallen asleep on his chest until after I felt it rise and lower, but by that time I was too tired to care, and personally felt comfortable with his easy rhythm.

"_So what was that about?" I smiled slyly at the flustered teen in front of me, signaling idly to the cheerful girl who'd just left after talking to Kazahaya for a moment. _

_The hazel-eyed boy pried off the Green Drugstore apron, averting my gaze as he stuttered, "She asked me to her prom…"_

"_Oooh," I said knowingly, "She must really like you, to have picked a brain-dead idiot who probably can't even dance."_

_Kazahaya didn't look up, and for a moment I felt sorry for what I'd said as he muttered, "I don't know how to dance." _

_But, in Kazahaya style, of course, he freaked out suddenly, "I can't dance! What am I gonna do? I can't back out now! I gotta find someone who can! Shiiiiiit! The prom's tomorrow night! Aaaaa!"_

_He jumped away as I laid a hand on his shoulder, "Shut up already, you're giving me a headache."_

"_I got bigger problems than your headache…" he muttered, eyes narrowed. I smirked, relishing in his growl. _

"_You might wanna start caring, cause I just might have the answer to your problems."_

"_You sound like a door to door salesman."_

_I ignored him, taking off my apron as well and hanging it up, "I can dance. If you're nice, I'll teach you."_

"_Huh?" the smaller boy blinked, but seeing no dishonesty in my eyes, broke out into a brilliant smile, "Will you? Really?"_

_I held back a soft smile at his brilliantly innocent one, "Sure. We can start tonight if you want."_

"_Really? Thanks Rikuou!" _

_It was the first time I'd heard such sincerity and thanks in his voice when using my name, and I turned my back on him, unable to hold back my smile after all. _

Daily use of the drug causes poisoning

"_First thing, stand straight."_

"_Um, okay…" _

"_I'll be playing the part of the male for now, and you'll be the female, just so I can show you. We'll switch later," I told him, and just rolled my eyes slightly as he snickered, but didn't say anything otherwise. _

"_Your right hand will take hers, and hold it out about this far, until it's comfortable," I continued, taking a hold of his left hand and holding it out at his shoulder's height. He watched all of my moves attentively, concentration clear. _

"_Your left hand will support her back, right above the shoulder blade," I murmured, proceeding to show him, and for a moment, he blinked and then a slow blush crept upon his face. I hid my smile and went on, resisting the urge to stroke his back softly as I talked, "and hers will be on your waist."_

_His gentle touch on my waist surprised me, since I would have thought that he would have refused to do that, but he was, the blush deepening on his face. I applied a bit more pressure to his back in acknowledgement and carried on. _

"_The steps are easy. One-two-three-four, feet together, apart, together, in a square. You'll be leading her moves, and she will be following you."_

"_Lucky girls, they don't have to actually know how to dance if we're leading them…" he muttered, but there was nothing negative in his voice, instead, there was a bright shine in his eyes, and it somehow made me glad. _

"_So, let's try it. I don't have any music though," he glanced up at me, and I mouthed the steps for him as he clumsily tried to learn them, following in my lead as I slowly went through the steps. _

"_How did you learn to dance so good?" he asked admiringly. _

"_Tsukiko taught me…" I answered quietly after a brief hesitation. He glanced at me for a moment, but I kept on going as if it meant nothing. Which in truth, it didn't. All that mattered to me at the moment was him. _

_There was something quietly magical, something calming and soothing, as we went over the dance and steps that night, for hours on end, as moon rose and dipped back, and for that time, it was only the two of us, hands clasped together, hands upon each other, dancing to a slow rhythm that flowed naturally between us. It was calm, completely different from our usual squabbles and teasings, but somehow, the awkwardness had faded, leaving us at ease with each other, our bodies close, almost intimately, but not enough that it brought along the complexities of intimacy. Time flowed around us unnoticed, and the dust in the room was illuminated by the moonlight, making it look like specs of snow that danced away and around us as we stepped through the air. The moonbeams that crossed by his face made it look angelic and ethereal, his hair glowing blue, his eyes dancing, luminous stars._

_I knew moments like this were rare, and I drank in every one of his moves and looks, knowing that I would relish this memory for the rest of my life. I was very glad I had offered to help him. Even after I knew he had the steps memorized, and he didn't fumble anymore or forget the directions, we didn't stop. There was a tranquil happiness in his golden orbs, one that I knew was reflected in my green ones. I hadn't felt as relaxed and contented as this in a long time. _

_Finally though, I noticed that time had ticked by us unnoticed, as we glided and swam in a corner of our minds, together, away from daily life and the city's sounds below, and the thought of work tomorrow—everything forgotten. Until now, and I was reluctant to let go, to unclasp his hand and let up the pressure on the small of his back. _

"_It's getting late… we should stop now. You have it down, so you'll be fine tomorrow," I whispered. _

_But his gaze didn't let up, and only continued to look at me softly, "Can we dance one last time?" _

_His soft words awakened something in me, and I nodded mutely. But this time, he took the lead, guiding my hand to his waist, his fingers lingering over mine before placing his hand on the small of my back. Taking my other hand gently, he pulled himself closer to me, much closer than before, until our bodies were just a hair's breadth apart, brushing intimately together as we danced one last time. _

_Hazel eyes kept themselves locked onto my forest green ones the whole time, never letting go, and I let them consume me, golden hair, golden eyes, small frame, and he was all I saw or felt. His scent was underneath me as he leaned his head on my shoulder, still gliding to silent steps. _

_Slowly, he looked up again, chin tilted up, angel lips glowing in a soft smile, and he didn't withdraw as I leaned down, unaware of what I was doing, the warming rays of a dawning sun touching upon our joined lips as I drank in something sweeter than light… Kazahaya's lips. _

_It was short, unexpected, but infinitely gentle and chaste, and for some reason, there was a softness and understanding as well as confusion in the smaller boy's eyes as he looked at me. What comforted me was that there was no anger, or disgust or rejection, if anything, there was a softer glow to his eyes. _

"_We danced all night…" he murmured quietly, letting go of my hands slowly. But it wasn't a letting go of rejection, it was one that signaled the end of this scene, as it had to pass, and for once, I didn't feel anything bitter at our parting. _

_His fingers lingered over mine for a moment before he spoke, "Thank you… I'm going to sleep…"_

_I let him go, watched him look at me one last time, then the door clicked shut. _

Daily use of the drug causes poisoning

_It fell with a thud back into my hand, and then I threw it up again. Even though I had stayed up all night with Kazahaya, I wasn't tired, or at least enough to fall asleep. So I laid in bed, throwing a ball as I mulled over the night, over our little dancing lesson. I was always in control of my emotions, yet I hadn't seen that kiss coming, and I had hesitated in telling him my feelings. _

_And though he hadn't rejected me, or drawn away, he hadn't accepted me either, and I knew he didn't love me. He couldn't love me, and he wouldn't ever say those words to me until I said them first. I hadn't whispered 'I love you', so I couldn't expect him to whisper them back. He was just too naïve, and somehow, I knew this would be… like a stone in a lake. There, but unreachable. We'd kissed, both of us had been willing, but somehow, I knew that this event would become an unspeakable one, something too confusing for both of us, and so it would stay in our minds and hearts, until we understood it and came to terms with it. But until then, it would resurface every time we looked at each other, and even when we fought, I knew there would be an underlying understanding, something that would keep us from slamming the doors to our room and fuming the rest of the night._

_But I knew too, that eventually, if we didn't come to terms with it and understand it in time, the event would fade, and become unacknowledged, only to be remembered in the safety of the darkness of night._

_I didn't want that to happen, but I couldn't force him to accept my feelings unless he did too. I didn't want to give myself false hopes. Maybe the reason he hadn't withdrawn was simply because he was too tired, or… or a number of other possible reasons. The confusion in his eyes had been enough proof that he wasn't sure why he hadn't withdrawn as well. I still doubted I meant anything to him. After all, it was only through coincidence that we lived with each other. Maybe he had grown to trust me enough to not draw away, but that didn't mean he loved me. _

_The ball fell with a thump to the floor, and I realized through the dim sound that I had finally fallen asleep. _

Daily use of the drug causes poisoning

_Instinct awoke me, just like it did every morning at dawn, and I blinked, momentarily disoriented. If it was dawn… and last I remembered it had been late morning, then… I had slept all day and night… which meant Kazahaya had already gone to the prom, and most likely come back as well. I sat up slowly, stood, dressed, and went to pick up the paper outside. Routine as usual. _

_An hour later, I stood in front of the kid's door, opening it and walking inside. _

_But as I stood in front of him, watching him sleeping with that angelic face, I hesitated. I decided that I wouldn't drop a shoe on him today, or kick him, as was routine to do. Still, I had to do something… so instead, I settled for flicking his forehead. _

"_Ow…!" He muttered, his hand flying up to rub his head, before sliding those large eyes of his open, "What the heck was that for?"_

"_Wake up call," I grinned, flicking him once again before leaving, "I haven't eaten anything since dinner the day before last, so I'm starving."_

"_If you were so hungry why didn't you just make yourself something…" I heard him mutter and grinned lightly. _

_I lowered the paper from my face, watching Kazahaya cooking the bacon and eggs, noticing the spring in his movements. He paused, and twisted his head to look at me, but caught me already doing so and 'eeped' softly before hurriedly turning back to our breakfast. _

"_So, how did it go?" I asked as he set the food down. _

"_Itadakimasu," he murmured before smiling at me, "It was great! It was really fun, and got to talk to a lot of people! Mostly girls, but there were some nice guys too," he added happily, taking a bite out of his eggs, "I was going to say goodbye to you, but you were sleeping."_

"_You could have woken me up, you know," I glanced slyly at him, "Did you trip and end up flying over the food table and splattering it all over the place? Or tripped your date up and made her break her leg?"_

_He glared at my smug smile, "I did not! For your information, I didn't trip even once!"_

_I chuckled, "Good. Saved your date some major embarrassment… how did the dancing go?"_

_Kazahaya paused, chewing slowly before speaking, "It went good. She was surprised I knew how to dance so well, and I told her my friend had taught me…" He gazed at me, "It wasn't the same as with you though."_

_I snorted, "Of course it wasn't, she's probably half my size," Kazahaya giggled, "And you were leading her."_

"_That's not what I meant…" he stared sheepishly at his plate, holding his cup in his hands as a steady flush began to rise in his cheeks, " It wasn't like it had been with you. I… I liked it better when I was with you… Besides… I led you the… last time."_

"_I know… It was different from when I danced with Tsukiko as well… in a good way," I admitted, and the conversation dropped after that, both of us watching each other as we replayed that night's events. The kid opened his mouth slowly, as if debating whether to speak or not, and I knew what he was going to ask. _

"_I don't know," I lied, "But maybe someday I'll have an answer." _

_He closed his mouth, and for the briefest moment, I thought I saw something like disappointment cross his face. _

"_Let's go, or Kakei'll dock our pay," I called as I got up and headed to the front door, waiting for him. He nodded and we both made our way out, our steps falling into sync as we walked silently. _

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**There's still another two chapters, so wait for them, they'll come eventually. **

**Sozuki: Definitely traumatizing. And to poor Kazahaya! But it's just not as fun to torture Rikuou with something like that. **

**Hikari Raine: I like writing emotional scenes. Tiring, and take a lot of thought sometimes, but it's what I like reading too. **

**Golden Flame: Isn't he? I think Rikuou's just shy. **

**Kitsunedemon: Enthusiastic is good -grin-**

**Black Angel of Destruction: Hey... you read my drabbles! Hi! **

**Sweet Sakura Curls: Huggle him all you want. Or let Rikuou. **

**Stella: yay! But I can hardly be compared to CLAMP... they're like... goddesses. I totally idolize them. Amazing art, characters, stories... everything. **

**Rycitia: What's your native language? Mine's Spanish, but now I'm more fluent in English... shame, but it's true. i see that about Rikuou too, that he can actually be trusted. I mean, how many times does he save Kazahaya? And he does show his nice side every once in a while. The reason the events in the fic kinda flip flop, with you seeing the result before the how, or reason, is because this being a song fic, I was tryign to fit the song. Took me a while to figure out how to do that... I haven't thrown up in sooo long, I'd forgotten how nasty it tasted... gah, you're right, I should have had him give Kaza somethign to drink. It totaly slipped my mind. Funny how we yell at the chracters and not at the writer... Eventually, Kaza'll go back to semi-normal, but I'm not giving anything away yet. **

**The Curtain: Actually, I checked, and the notes aren't longer... it's a personal pet peeve to have notes longer than chapters. With exception of responses to reviews, since that... well, you know. **

**Pchan: Seriously! CLAMP better make more of Gohou Drug. I've already read all three! It's saaaad! We never get to find out anythign about Kakei or Saiga... **

**Queen of Dark Castle: yeah! I love the third book, cause he's soo funny. There's this one pic of him laughing... and he reminds me of... Donald Duck or something... he looks all chibified in any case, and I think it's sooo cute. He is nice in the manga, quite a lot more than Kazahaya gives him credit for. I'll write more GD fics sometime, so don't worry when this one ends... might take me a while, but I'll write more! **

**Tokki-tsu: Yup, GD section. I made a Wish one too. Cause while it's handy having a category jsut for CLAMP, which is great for all fics that deal with chracters that are in more than one manga, some manga's need their own category. Like CLAMP School Detectives and Tsubasa, but I gotta write a fic for it first... **

**Taadaaa... do I have to write it all out-laughs: Yay-happy- Norway, huh? CLAMP reaches far... you'll love the next two volumes. **

**Suicidal Skies: ooh, cool name! Thanks! **

**Dagger Maxwell: I love Duo's name. I mean... c'mon, DUO-squeal- Angst fluff is practically all I write. Sometimes there's humor... but that doesn't come naturally to me in writing. Thanks! **

**Desert Rose 11: Ooh, do you have the link to the site? I'm sad to say that I've been a bit disappointed in some GD fics... mostly the ones in the CLAMP category. Not all, cause some were good, but I most were just lacking... something. Adieu!**

**Ginka: I was obssessed with GD about two weeks ago, and then I watched Yami no Matsuei... and now I'm obssessed with that. Lol. Still LOVE GD though. Thanks a lot! **

**FLY: Do I really? Good! **

**Sensibly Tainted-laughs- Few reviews? I'm actually pretty happy with the number of reviews! But thanks a lot! **

**Mentaru: Angst fluff is the best-catches Kudos- Kudos for Kudo! Kudo's the last name of this dude from this detective show, and i always say that cause it's funny. My fics tend to be serious, since I write a lot of angst and fluff. I am experimenting with humor and just pure fluff in some other fics, but they always have some angst in them anyway... **

**Wow... takes forever to write responses. Anyway, huge turnover of reviews, I'm surprised! Glad you guys like it so much! I like writing this chapter a lot... Tata, until next time. **

**Happy Valentine's Day! (BTW, if anyone knows DNAngel, I'm going to try to post a valentine's day fic with them soon. So wait for it! )**


	5. I'm Not Giving Up

**:sweatdrop: Sorry for the long time it took me to update... hopefully it'll be a much shorter wait for the next chapter. **

**By the way, I won't update until I get at least 100 reviews. Which really shouldn't be all that hard to do, since more than a hundred people have already read this chapter, and so if only twenty of those reviewed, that's the quote filled. Why I'm doing this- points to aforemention 100 people who've already read this- Only three of those reviewed, and I really wanna know if anyone got what was going on with Kakei in this chapter. **

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**_Must Get Out_**

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Like clockwork, my mind awoke, and I knew that it was a bit past dawn. The first thing it registered, though, in the blank numbness of time and feeling experienced as sleep was still a cloud over my head, was an uncomfortable soreness. I couldn't understand it until I tried to lift my head, and then was suddenly aware of my body as if it had just materialized, and its uncomfortable position knelt on the floor, head resting on my crossed arms.

Opening my eyes, I reared back as the first thing that met my eyes was Kazahaya's sleeping face in front of me, like a surprise close-up. I sat up abruptly, stretching my sore back and unwinding my cramped legs from underneath me, staring at the sleeping body in front of me. His arm hung limply from the side of the bed, my eyes tracing its path from the childishly small fingers, up the pale, smooth skin briefly clouded by his shirt, leading to the lithe body enveloped carefully in a bundle of covers.

I'd fallen asleep on him, I thought, the memories of the night before flooding my head. Kazahaya crying… me comforting him… falling asleep… and the dream, the memory of a couple months ago. I rubbed my head wearily, noticing with a groan that I had overslept for the first time in years. I had _thought_ it was dawn, at least. It was the least of my problems, but definitely didn't help.

I lifted my fingers, letting them fall softly on his pale face and stroking them. He was completely out cold, wasn't even stirring, but I knew it wouldn't be like this for long. I knew, in fact, was _expecting_, for him to be haunted by nightmares for many, many night to come. I promised to myself, and in a soft whisper, him too, that I would be with him throughout the nights. I wanted to be with him at all times. Forever, but that was besides the point of the immediate need, which was to be with him for support, and not as… something else.

But I needed to leave for a moment, if only to tell Kakei why his two employees would be absent today.

Standing up, I threw a coat on and walked outside, freshly fallen snow blinding my sight as I made my way down the stairs, past the sidewalk and into the drugstore. The door jingled with an unwelcome merriness and both Kakei and Saiga looked up, the former leaning comfortably against the larger man's body on the couch in the back office.

"Finally! We were beginning to wonder if you'd been doing naughty things all night and had overslept!" the permanently sunglasses-clad man laughed. Kakei's eyebrows were raised, and he though he smiled pleasantly, his eyes had a decidedly chilly look that at any other moment would have intimidated me and told me to not expect pay for that day, no matter how good my explanation was.

"What, you didn't see this coming?" I growled, suddenly realizing that this could have all been one of Kakei's schemes, or that he had known this whole thing was going to happen.

"What are you talking about?" he asked, the glare disappearing, and I saw only surprise and even the slight tinge of concern in his eyes, but that was most likely my stress talking, since I didn't see concern as one of his frequently acquainted-with emotions. Saiga I couldn't tell, not through those stupid sunglasses, anyway. I didn't know what to think of him as it was.

"You're late… and where's the boy?" Saiga's head was cocked to the side, eyebrows raised as he begun to suspect that something serious had happened. Kakei had apparently already reached that conclusion as he motioned for me to sit down, eyebrows drawn together.

I did, appeased with knowing that Kakei hadn't foreseen this and not warned us and simply let Kazahaya go through all that trauma. I wouldn't have been surprised if he had just to make some profit or fulfill some ulterior motive. Maybe I was being too harsh on him, but given the current circumstances, could you really blame me?

"What happened?" Kakei asked softly, and the dark-haired man next to him leaned over expectantly. I figured they already knew something was seriously wrong by my attitude, the fact that the kid wasn't with me, and that I wasn't apologizing for being late. Still, I lowered my eyes, hesitating.

"Kazahaya… yesterday, he leaned against a tree… where a girl had been raped and murdered…"

Saiga ground his teeth together in a vehement growl and I looked up in time to see Kakei's wide eyes for a split second. But then he lowered his face, blonde bangs obscuring his eyes, hand raised on the pretense of fumbling with his glasses. That split second had been enough for me to register the one emotion in them- fear.

I watched as Saiga wrapped his arms around the blonde pharmacist, stroking his back in a manner that seemed soothing and as Kakei remained silent, leaning into his catering motions. I was confused at the change in focus. We were talking about Kazahaya here, and unless it really was hurting them about Kazahaya's vision, this was a misplaced reaction. I was about to ask, to bark out if they'd even heard me right, when Saiga looked at me pointedly, and through the shades covering his face, I could see – more like sense- the dangerous glint in his eyes and the aggressive tilt to his head. The message was clear –Don't ask. It appeared I wasn't the only one aggressively overprotective of … well, there was no good phrase to put there, since Kazahaya and I were nothing, while Saiga and Kakei were lovers. Still, it reminded me of the kind of action I might take were it Kazahaya and I in that position.

Kakei finally lifted unreadable eyes up to me, removing himself from Saiga, who still looked at him preoccupied, a firm hand resting across his lover's shoulders. He continued watching Kakei for a moment, until the blonde man shook his head lightly, at which point the sunglasses turned to me.

"How's the boy taking it?" there was a decidedly fatherly tone to his voice, one that comforted me in knowing that at least he cared about Kazahaya.

"Not good… Cried all night…" I saw Saiga's hand squeeze the smaller one beneath his comfortingly, "He's sleeping now," I stood up, deciding that it wasn't my place to say anymore, and that there was clearly something going on here that I didn't understand, "I wanted to tell you why neither him nor I would be here today… and I doubt he's coming tomorrow," that was more my decision than it would be Kazahaya's.

Our employer waved his hand dismissively, "Of course… he can take as many days off as he wants…" he murmured, his eyes and tone convincing me that, like Saiga, he was concerned too, and wasn't the cold employer we sometimes made him out to be. I was angling to leave, but his icy eyes were pinned on me, clouded with something I couldn't understand, "Sit down."

"I have to-"

"Sit."

So I did, miffed that he was stopping me from getting back to Kazahaya, but chilled by the edge in his voice. What he had to say better be important.

"There's… a lot of things that are going to go through his mind. You're going to have to watch him very carefully, and make sure you know what he's doing at all times," Kakei began, his voice becoming distant, and there was something so dead in his eyes, that it reminded me of Kazahaya. I had to turn away, ignoring the barrage of images of beautiful hazel eyes deadened by pain, choosing instead to gaze at the window behind him, focus on the falling snowflakes. I could see out of the corner of my eyes that Saiga's hand was squeezing the blonde's shoulder comfortingly. Kakei sighed, and there was a definitely sad look about him, and his voice held an almost pleading tinge to it. It almost seemed as if he was vulnerable, and it very much reminded me of Kazahaya.

"And there's a number of things you're going to have to be careful not to do… don't call him pet names," he glanced briefly at Saiga at this, who nodded to show understanding, "Don't come up behind him, or touch him suddenly. Give him warning about everything you do, because he'll be jumpy and easy to scare," he drifted off, lost in thought for a moment before continuing, "He'll probably take long showers, lots of them. Just… let him do what he needs, but be careful he doesn't hurt himself.

"Most importantly though, show him that you care. Stay with him whenever he wants you to… _he's_ probably the clingy type, and hover around you all the time, which is better than becoming isolated and rejecting others... He's the type who needs to have someone he trusts, and that's you."

I filed all of those tips into my head, realizing with a start how true they were- they made complete sense. He broke off, standing up and making his way to the window, staring blankly out of it. Saiga kept his gaze trained on his lover. Golden eyes finally turned to me, looking directly into my eyes.

"Kazahaya's strong… but he has a delicate heart…Take care of him."

_Of course I'm going to,_ I thought with an ironic tinge to my thoughts, but only nodded at both of them. I already knew that about Kazahaya. I was determined to take care of him.

"Tell the boy we're sorry, k? We'll stop by…" I was expecting for Saiga to say 'After we close the store' or something similar, but he appeared to hesitate, looking over his shoulder at Kakei, who'd gone back to staring out the window, "When we can, alright?"

Something was definitely going on here, and though I had my theories, it seemed so… unrealistic, flipping everything I thought Kakei to be. On the other hand, it made perfect sense. Oh well, I had enough on my mind without worrying about what had gone on between Kakei and Saiga in there…

I closed the door behind me, walking through the store, wishing there was a smiling figure waving to the customers behind the counter, or scrunched up in concentration over a stack of boxes. And up the stairs I went, wishing that time would slow and I would never have to open that door to find those hazel eyes brimming with pain.

Kazahaya was still sleeping, his beautiful, pale face lax, looking almost peaceful. It was almost heartrending to see how my hand could cover his entire face, an adult's tainted hands over a child's angel skin. Cupping his chin and tilting it up gently, I leaned down and brushed my lips over his, willing my strength to enter him. I wouldn't give up.

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**There's a lot of reviews, so I'm not going to respond to all of them... sorry!**

**Bofuu... etc: Looong name, so I just shortened it, lol. Um... the goil is from when I was obssessed with Newsies, and they're from New York, so instead of Girl, it's pronouned Goil, and so... animegirl turns to animegoil, which I like a whole lot better. And yeah... the lady does put her hand on the shoulder. I messed up there, I was doing the dancing stuff from memory, and forgot. Thank you for pointing it out, I really gotta fix that... **

**ShadowKissAngel: Yes, i acutally have read all of Tokyou Babylon... that was such an intense series... **

**Zeto: I didn't get it... what's the difference between Rikuou/Kazahaya and Kazahaya/Rikuou :sweatdrop:**

**Arandomchan: The drug line being repeated just shows a break in scene. **

**Mentaru: Of course I'll read your GD fic... what's the title? **

**To everyone else :awe:; Wow, I'm glad everyone likes this so much! really really really glad. I know this chapter didn't have much, more of an... intermediate chapter, but there's a lot more coming, so don't be disappointed! **


	6. There's Only so Much I Can Do for You

**So what can I say, it's been forever, I know it, and I just hope you enjoy reading this, God knows you've been waiting long enough, lol. Thanks to everyone for reading!**

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_**Must Get Out**_

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I had tried to eat, but found that my appetite was lacking, and ended forcing myself to at least swallow a loaf of bread before going back into Kazahaya's room. The blonde was still out cold, his mind and body so completely exhausted there wasn't even a chance for him to have nightmares yet, though I was expecting those to come sooner or later. I sat by his bedside, flipping the paper open in front of me, trying to force myself to concentrate on something other than the stillness of his body, his lightly swollen lips and the way the sunlight glinted off his hair… trying to keep my mind from wandering over the night before, and distract it from the stinging pain in my heart at the memories.

All of a sudden, I wished that it was months later, so that I wouldn't have to go through seeing him wake up back to reality, that I wouldn't have to watch him struggle with his vision… that it would all pass us and stay behind us. I couldn't deny it, I was _scared_ of what the next couple days would be like. Kazahaya wouldn't be himself, and I would have to watch him… struggling… in pain…

I threw the paper off in disgust at my inability to keep my mind off the sleeping angel at my side, and instead turned to him, crossing my arms and resting them on the bed, placing my chin on them as I reached out and stroked his silken hair.

Hell. The next couple days would be like hell for the both of us. Him most of all, of course, but I would suffer. I turned my head away, gritting my teeth lightly. This wasn't helping… I needed to think of how I could help Kazahaya, not worry so much… that wouldn't help at all.

I sat there for hours, drifting between thought-overrun consciousness and light sleep, my hand alternately stilling above his face when I slept, or stroking it while I was awake. Late morning was turning into early afternoon, and early afternoon was slowly giving way to late afternoon. In a couple hours, I thought, glancing at the clock, Kakei and Saiga would be dropping by.

In stages, the sleeping boy faded out of exhaustion and into normal sleep, and eventually, he began stirring, and soon, that turned into fitful thrashings. I didn't know whether that was out of nightmares yet though, and I wanted him to sleep as long as he could, so I didn't consider waking him up.

I lifted open my eyes to find that I had drifted into sleep again, and immediately my eyes coursed over to check on Kazahaya. His brow was furrowed, his mouth mumbling something inaudible, his hand twitching at his side. I frowned, sensing the beginning of a dream that could very well turn into something nasty pretty soon.

"You incessant troublemaker," I muttered, trying to get any semblance of normalcy back. Me teasing him and calling him names was normal, and it helped get something for me to hold on to. If I called him names in my head, it would make the situation seem more mundane… take the serious edge off it. Bring back some of the relaxed and careless feeling of their lives before. I felt like everything had been turned inside-out, and I was desperate for the apprehension to stop making my stomach clench.

"You little bastard…" I whispered, hating how my voice was only a fraction away from breaking as I saw his hands grip the covers, and his head shake. His face was scrunched up in a mix of disgust and fear, and he strained to get as far away as possible from the imaginary horrors he was seeing.

"Kazahaya… wake up," I reached my arm out, gently touching his arm, but as soon as I'd applied enough pressure for him to register it, he flinched and drew away, crying out as if burned. I let out a shaking breath and sat down on the bed, watching helplessly, wanting so badly to just _touch_ him, and offer physical comfort.

"Kazahaya," I repeated, louder, and pounded on the mattress. He frowned, his breathing gradually speeding up, "Kazahaya! Wake up!"

He only whimpered, ignoring the edge in my voice and curling up into himself. I reached out again, aware that it was probably a mistake, but what else could I do? But once again, as soon as my fingers ghosted over his skin, he jerked violently and this time, he lashed out to strike at me, his fingernails scraping my skin deep enough to break it. I hissed and drew back, and he lay still for a moment, his breathing coming in short bursts broken by occasional whimpers and short cries.

"Damn it, Kazahaya, wake up!"

Yesterday's glass on the bedside table suddenly burst. I don't know if it was my words or the explosion that jolted him, but he did wake. His eyes were suddenly open, staring into the nothingness of the wrinkles of his covers with something like disbelief, but his breathing didn't slow, if anything, it sped up, and his face gradually paled. My arm stung, but I was too busy nervously watching for Kazahaya's reaction to acknowledge it. I didn't want to acknowledge it either; I felt it would be selfish to.

His eyes were still wide and out of focus, lost in some memory or image that I didn't want to imagine, and he slowly raised his arms to plant the heel of his hands on his eyes, and that's when the first choked sob came, just like it would for many days ahead. I didn't want to watch, couldn't stand to, and so looked down, watching the blood ooze steadily from my arm.

I was expecting a full-blown break-down, much like yesterday's, but he surprised me, as the seconds ticked by, and I was still afraid to look up and face anything other than how fascinating those red drops crawling down my arm were. There were a few strangled keens, that made me flinch every time one broke loose from his throat, but other than that, there was no sound, no movement, and when I finally found the courage to look up, he was still in the same position, shaking with suppressed cries, his eyes covered by the palms of his hands, so that all I could see of his pasty face were his clenched teeth, and the repeated shake of his head in denial of his visions.

"Kazahaya…" I murmured, and sat down on the bed. He didn't respond, only shaking his head once more, sharply, and I wasn't sure if it was against me or not. I hesitated for a moment before whispering, "Is it alright… if I touch you?"

I felt almost ridiculous asking, as he'd let me hold him all of yesterday, but today was different, right now he wasn't seeking comfort, and I felt the need to ask. He tensed, cringing.

"…Don't…"

I froze, my hand midway to his shoulder, and slowly retreated. I felt like I'd been slapped, like icy water was running down the walls of my stomach, and for one moment, wasn't sure how to mask my dejection.

He didn't need me here… he didn't _want_ me here.

I closed my eyes briefly and stood. He needed time alone, I told myself. He hadn't meant it, he simply needed space, it had not been a personal assault. But the fact remained the same, and even my logic couldn't dissuade my heart from the hurt, the stinging, painful bruise it had received throbbing with each heartbeat. He didn't mean it.

The cold tap water from the kitchen sink startled me, and the blood, already clotting, was washed away from my arm, leaving two lightly swollen scratches. I didn't bother with bandages, and went on numbly through the motions of picking up the paper that I had earlier discarded. But the headline barely made sense, and I had to have read the first line at least five times before it became comprehensible, and after that, it became a sort of morbid game to see how hard I had to read to distract myself from the small body that I knew to be laying in bed a wall across. Needless to say I lost, and the paper was soon discarded for the second time that day.

I missed the sound of padded footsteps, but jumped when I heard the bathroom door click shut, and gritted my teeth when I heard the lock follow. A tip of the newspaper suddenly combusted, and I slammed my hand down on it to keep it from actually catching on fire.

Stupid… like that would ever stop me had I wanted to Break in… but that wasn't the main point, of course. He had locked the door, and shut me out. After everything I had given to him- my devotion, my constant care and watch, my hopes, my purpose of life, and most importantly, a heart that was still heavily scarred from the last person it had allowed itself to love. And he shut me out…

I admit I was hurt and confused. It was with a bitter feeling that I recalled how trustingly he'd allowed me to hold him the day before, how I had been the person he'd come to and asked for comfort. But then again, who else was there? We were so much closer to each other than we'd ever be to Saiga and Kakei, and they were the only two other candidates. It was almost pathetic to realize that they were the only people we had. It showed, in a way, how complete we were with each other, even amidst our isolation and painful pasts, that we had never really _sought_ anyone else. At the moment though, that was hardly a comforting thought.

I couldn't seem to get out of my head how badly his rejection was affecting me. I had thought that I had control over myself and my emotions, that I would never _allow_ myself to be hurt by someone's actions, that I'd never become emotionally attached enough for that to happen… but somehow, Kazahaya had wormed his way into me, and now I was no more than a doll controlled my its puppeteer, no matter how unaware he was to the strings he pulled with his words and actions. The saddest part was that I wouldn't have it any other way.

I think there was a point in my life, before I met Kazahaya, and after Tsukiko's… accident, during which I was seriously worried about my humanity. I wondered if it was okay to be so emotionally isolated, to really and truly not _feel_, not _care_. And I didn't, not when I saw children dying, not when I heard of massacres and rapes, not when saw people sick and dying, it didn't affect me, like a movie that one knows is staged and fake, but worse, because I knew that they were not the fakes—I was. Even my worry was a small subconscious one, almost a mere curiosity- If I couldn't feel, was I human? The only thing that ever got me riled up, and usually it was in a sort of tenacious, self-righteous way, was the thought of finding Tsukiko. And even that died out after a while of no leads.

Kazahaya had done so much for me… he really didn't see it, and I didn't think he'd ever find out, as it was a bit of a sore subject for me to touch upon, but he had brought me back my humanity. The first time I laughed, was at him. The first time I truly got angry and worried about something other than Tsukiko, was at him. The first time I felt pity, and understanding, was for him. The first time I felt affection, was for him. The first time I was sad, was because of him.

The sound of the shower being turned on broke my train of thought. I sighed and dug my hands into my hair, resting my forehead on my palms as I closed my eyes. Kakei's words rang out in my mind, --_He'll probably take long showers, lots of them._ What could I do? How could I help him… that's all I wanted, but there's nothing harder to obtain than what you really want. I stood and paced about the kitchen for a while, kicking the newspaper aside, before passing the bathroom. Steam trailed slyly from underneath the hinge, and all I could hear was the pounding needles of rain on the tile, nothing more. In his room, I bent to pick up the shattered glass pieces, and they gleamed dangerously up at me. _Just don't let him hurt himself…_ I prayed.

I finally figured out that at the least, I could prepare something for him to eat, though it was highly unlikely that he'd eat it. I was tired, partly from lack of food, but I had neither the appetite, nor the will to force myself to eat something. He was a different matter, however. I'd make him eat…

I couldn't help the strong wave of overprotection that I felt towards him. A while ago, I would have never believed that it was possible to feel _hurt_ for someone else. But that was what I felt, and the worst thing was that I felt a sort of guilt, or regret, of being _tainted_, as if I'd done something wrong… Logically, my brain told me that none of this was my fault in any way- that there was no way that it could be my fault. But maybe it was because I felt that I had failed in protecting him like I'd told myself so many times I'd do, or because I didn't know how to fix the problem now, but I felt like it was my fault.

I banged my head on the wall gently and told myself it'd all work out. _Somehow_.

An hour passed, and I become more and more restless, growing more frantic by the minute, so that by the time that I heard the shower knob squeak closed, and the gurgling sound of the drain, the rubber ball in my hands was a tattered mess on the floor, bits and pieces Broken off as I'd squeezed it out of impatient anxiety. It only told me that I needed to have tighter control over my powers, so that traces of it would not leak when I was emotionally distraught… or maybe the answer was to freeze myself over so that I would never be able to let anything affect me enough to upset my control over my powers. Kazahaya had managed to make that an impossibility, however.

Twenty minutes more ticked by painfully slow, my eyes fixated on the door, aware of each breath that passed through my lungs, and the continuous droning of my heartbeat. Twenty minutes of silence, and then ten more. Apprehension twisted in my gut like a cold metal coil, and I wondered uneasily what was taking him so long.

Breaking the bathroom lock took no more energy or concentration than flicking a piece of paper, but I hesitated in actually opening it. Still… I figured it was better to follow Kakei's advice and make sure he was okay. Inside, the mirror was fogged, and the air was heavy with humidity, almost misty. I took a deep breath and gingerly pushed open the shower door.

"Kazahaya?"

I took in the sight of him huddled in one corner of the shower stall, his sopping clothes clinging to him, his hair plastered against his face. His skin was an angry pink from the hot water, and he looked as defenseless as a child, curled up around himself protectively. What could I do to save him?

He shuddered once, and raised his eyes almost shyly up at me, "Rikuou?"

"Hey…" I said softly, "You've been in the shower for an hour and a half," _I was worried_.

"… Sorry."

I sighed, feeling out of place as he lowered his eyes and stared at some indescribable spot, "C'mon, you should put on dry clothes…" I didn't question the fact that he hadn't taken off his clothes—it was probably a question of vulnerability to be naked, in this case. Humans tend to feel the most unprotected when they are naked, and considering that rape was the case of a traumatic breach in personal security, he'd probably felt much more safe in his clothes.

I handed a towel to him, and he looked at it for a moment before turning to me with the most melancholy pair of eyes I'd ever seen, that I just wanted to kneel down and gather him in my arms again.

"Dry off. I'll come back with dry clothes in a sec," I murmured, and left him there, staring at the towel as he sat in the shower. I closed the door quietly behind me, and after a moment of standing against the warm door, went to his drawers, sifting through them to find him clothes. I knocked on the bathroom door, and after a moment, it opened and his small hand stuck out, and I sighed, giving him the clothes.

I sat back down at the kitchen table, and attempted to eat some of the re-heated ramen, but in the end, there was little difference in the amount that was in the bowl before I had eaten. Was he okay, would he accept me again? Could I help him in any way? The bathroom door creaked, and I turned to look at him, looking small and withdrawn in clothes that were a tad too big, as if he had the answer. He did, of course, but I don't know if he knew how to give it. Much less if it'd be favorable.

He stared at me with those baleful eyes of his, and they raked over the kitchen as if seeing it in a new light. Was like so dark now that it was hard to recognize it? Did he see nuances of what he'd been through in things that seemingly held no importance? Did he now see me as a threat that he'd never understood. Or, very simply, was he afraid of me because my physical appearance, and the way I'd acted before reminded him of what he'd been through? God, I was so stupid… I just felt it, realizing that how could he trust someone that he saw as a pervert half the time, or suspected of an ulterior motive? How was he supposed to know that never in my life… would I ever try to hurt him?

I'd set up his plate and chopsticks on the table, and he suddenly sighed and came over to sit. He didn't even bother saying 'Itadakimasu' and simply picked up the chopsticks and poked his food a bit. I carefully took another bite, watching him all the while, and hating how he avoided raising his gaze the whole time.

"You should eat."

He nodded almost imperceptibly, his wet hair sticking to his forehead and neck, and he pulled it away before lifting up a bite to eat. His movements were slow, as if drugged, or in a trance, and through some more gentle coaxing on my part, he managed to take several more bites, until he'd eaten about half the bowl.

"…I don't feel good," he finally muttered, "I want to sleep."

"Of course," I said, and waited for him to stand and leave, frowning when he didn't, and just sat there looking at his lap. His behavior made me so uneasy, I hated seeing him this lifeless, in contrast to the whirlwind of animated spirit he normally was. It was scary, as if something had been sucked out of him, leaving an empty shell, like this was a ghostly afterimage of what was normally there.

"…Can you carry me?"

I blinked, but the words had been clear, and I felt a weight lift off my shoulders, and sort of white relief that spread through me along with warm affection. Silently, I stood in front of him, feeling my heart shatter into a thousand pieces as he raised his arms up like a small child asking to be picked up. I tucked my arms underneath him, gathering him close to me and feeling the pull of his arms around my neck, and took him back to bed. I don't know how to explain the odd mixture of contentment and relief that I felt at having him back to me, to have his trust again, after that cold fear of rejection. His face was pressed tight against my neck, and I relished in the warmth that came from his small body. He would be mine to hold forever, though he would never know it.

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**I dunno what's going on with my writing style- it's hard being consistent in one story when you haven't worked on it in forever, and real inspiration's not quite there. But hopefully this was good, so review and comment! I thought Saiga and Kakei would be coming in this chapter, but it'll be next chapter. Only one person got it right about Kakei... but I won't say who until next chapter. Btw, I'll eventually work on Insecurities too... i've got the whole plot already, it's just writing it that's killing me... Bye! **


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